What to do?

Dear Jesus,

What should I do at the moment like this?
What would you do if you were I at the moment like this?

Pray? I did. But may not with all my heart. I thought you should take care of me.
You said do not lose heart. I just hung up the phone. Now I tell you I lost my heart.

They are chatting and laughing. But I can't join. Everyone is watching. They don't say it. But I can feel it. Am I too sensitive?

I'll stay in the office for a while. I don't know where to go. When I'm at home alone, I feel like a loser and I humiliated your name. It's unbearable. Even prayers didn't guarantee a good sleep.

What's wrong with me? Is it a lesson that I should have learned before? Since I haven't learned, lesson repeats. Am I too performance driven? Am I result orientated? Am I over confident? Am I lazy? Can't I bear any failure? Did I take your grace for granted?

Forgive me for those questions. I'm so broken. I'm like Job now, complaining. I say positive words, but I keep complaining inside. I spent my time waiting, waiting for the miracle. But I've been tired of waiting.

But You, O LORD, are a shield about me,
My glory, and the One who lifts my head.
I was crying to the LORD with my voice,
And He answered me from His holy mountain.
Psalm 3:3-4